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I am a young college student in New England trying to find my path towards a career in literature. I am also trying to find my path in the maze that is Bipolar depression and mood disorder. I believe that there is something divine in the pain of life, and I have great hope and love for those sufferers.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Easter Bunny looks different this year

In honor of Easter, and Christ rising again, I've been making an effort all day to try to remember what I'm supposed to remember, and then feel. I've been trying to thank God that our house is dry and safe as I go around vacuuming and dusting. Trying to thank God for my family's relative health, and the blessing that we are all still here, together. Trying to thank God for the chance to see my grandparents in AZ last fall, now that my grandmother's health is rapidly declining. I've been trying to go over and over my blessings, hoping if I say them like some sort of chant then I will feel blessed. I think the opposite is happening. I feel cursed. Thrown out and unimportant. Instead of being filled with warmth and light, I feel like there's a crack in me that's letting all the garbage in. I truly do not want to pity myself, and I truly DO want to FEEL my blessings. The soul must be smarter than I thought though. It knows when you're bs-ing it.

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