I always forget to remember how sneaky BPD is. Just when you start thinking, hey, I've been maintaining a pretty healthy speed here....BAM. You're gas pedal sticks to the floor and you run yourself right into a guardrail.
It's so convincing. You really believe you feel the way you believe you feel. There you are, crying and babbling and begging people for things you can't even identify, and then it drops you back in the middle of your life, like the end of some emotional alien abduction. Mostly I just want to send letters to all the people I came in contacts with in the past two weeks.
'Dear Acquaintance,
I'm not really needy, insecure, hypersensitive, and over dramatic. Well, I am, but not REALLY really.
Insanely yours,
N'
Oh well.
Another trip to Wellseley.
Another tweak.
Another circle in the cornfield of my life.
About Me
- Nicole
- I am a young college student in New England trying to find my path towards a career in literature. I am also trying to find my path in the maze that is Bipolar depression and mood disorder. I believe that there is something divine in the pain of life, and I have great hope and love for those sufferers.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow?
Sometimes I wonder if I am the greediest person alive. There are so many things I want. My want is desperate and pleading lately, and it keeps me up at night. I constantly want more than I have, and my want tricks me into thinking I'm stuck and stagnant, when really I know I've come so far.
If I stop wanting, and think about it, I have an enormous passion for how far I've come. I'm almost shocked when I remember the things that happened inside of me over the years. I remember particularly painful times with a new fear that was never present at the time. The fear at finally understanding how close to death I was...all the time. The fear at remembering how many times it could have gone so wrong so finally.
The fear my mother still holds.
And now. Now I'm the full time college student I always wanted to want to be. Every object in my room no longer seems weighted down with bitter dissapointment. The mirror reflects a person with worth, instead of someone to be disgusted with. Yes, the truth is, I've gotten almost everything I ever wanted during those years. The Me then would be sorely jealous of the Me now. So I wish I could stop wanting and wishing, and LIVE in the Me I am in this moment. Haven't enough moments gone by already?
If I stop wanting, and think about it, I have an enormous passion for how far I've come. I'm almost shocked when I remember the things that happened inside of me over the years. I remember particularly painful times with a new fear that was never present at the time. The fear at finally understanding how close to death I was...all the time. The fear at remembering how many times it could have gone so wrong so finally.
The fear my mother still holds.
And now. Now I'm the full time college student I always wanted to want to be. Every object in my room no longer seems weighted down with bitter dissapointment. The mirror reflects a person with worth, instead of someone to be disgusted with. Yes, the truth is, I've gotten almost everything I ever wanted during those years. The Me then would be sorely jealous of the Me now. So I wish I could stop wanting and wishing, and LIVE in the Me I am in this moment. Haven't enough moments gone by already?
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