I wish I didn't feel such an instinctive burst of rage and jealousy whenever I hear of someone's good fortune. I know there has to be part of me that feels happiness on their behalf. I just can't seem to bring it out of hiding. Maybe I could hear that happiness if it wasn't for the roar of my own lost time. I can't help thinking of where I would be if it weren't for the time that was taken from me. Sometimes I wake up at night from a dead sleep with a feeling of uncontrolled panic welling inside me. If only I could spin around the earth like Superman, I would be able to go back and tell everyone what to do. I'd be able to tell my doctor's how to fix me faster, and I could say "pass" to all the medications that never worked, but took a year here or 6 months there. Suddenly I'm going to be 25, and more than anything, I don't want to be 25. I don't look in the mirror trying to spot tiny wrinkles. Or peer at my hairline trying to find a premature gray hair. I don't even compare the size jeans I used to wear. All I can see when I look in the mirror are the stuck years. The feeling of how terribley unfair it is to have worked so hard, fought so long, and still not have even a little of a what I want. And then the anger boils inside me, and my fists tighten when I think of the people who blindly stumbled into happiness without the slightest effort or the merest whiff of self awareness. And I ask no one in particular, why not me? Don't I deserve it twofold? If there is anyone on Gods green earth that DESERVES what she wants, what she needs, isn't that person me? Dear God in heaven, isn't that person me??
But there are no answers to those kinds of questions. Just an exhausting feeling of self responsibility. I make sure to tell myself that I'm not a bad person because I hear of Susie's engagement and wish public humiliation on her. I'm not a bad person because I see the sonograms of Trixie's accidental baby that came in between nights of drinking, and imagine with satisfaction the day she realizes she's afraid. I make sure to tell myself that Tommy's happy college graduation and framed degree will not neccessarily get him a job.
I make sure to find every hole I can....and I fill them up with a little of the pain that I have felt. Because I have had more than my share, and I am nothing if not generous.